On Being.Monday, May 07, 2012
I've been thinking. About time, again, go figure. And the constant battle to be present in the moment, to not let the little things pass me by. I was sitting in church yesterday morning, and something hit me. I've been getting it all wrong. I've been concerned with time, because I've wanted to figure out how to better manage it, so that I can get things done or do more with my time. Yet, I don't really think it's about doing more. I think that's where I have it wrong. Instead of being so concerned about what I'm doing, I need to re-program my mind to focus on who I am being.
It's not about what I'm doing, but who I am being. I know this. The idea is one that I've had to have pounded into me time and time again. I get that it's not about what I can do or how much I do or good I do things or how fast I get things done. Or, I thought I got that. But apparently, I needed a reminder - or rather a good kick in the pants.
It all sounds so Mary vs. Martha, when I really think about it. Check it.
'Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." '
Luke 10:38-42 (ESV)
I want to choose the good portion. I want to be more Mary-like, sitting at the feet of Jesus, just being, soaking in the beauty and goodness of the Lord. It is so easy to become engrossed with what needs to get done and checking things off my to-do list (because I certainly feel good checking things off!), that I forget to sit and be still before the Lord. I am never going to learn what it means to be a good wife and a good mama, if I don't take the time to be with the One who made me, who knows me better than anyone, who gives me the strength and grace to take each breath.
Sometimes I struggle with feeling like I don't know who I am. This isn't a new struggle - it's a rather old one. As life marches on, I question who I am and what it is that I am here for, what my purpose is, how it is that I am meant to bring glory to God. What is it that He made me for, is so often my question. Pastor Jason said something the other day that stopped me solid. He said that you will never know who you are, until you know who Jesus is.
I know about Jesus. I know who Jesus is to me. I know what He did for me. Yet, I wonder when I deemed it ok to stop learning about Him, about His character, about what He came for. When did I stop making time with Jesus a priority in my every day? I don't know exactly. It's not that I stopped reading my Bible or praying or talking through things or seeking Him more. It's more that I started letting the things I had to DO become more important than just BEING with Him. I let the laundry and the baking and the diapers and the sweeping and the emailing become more important.
You know what? I want to learn to be more like Mary. To sit down at the feet of Jesus, even when there are things to do. Because there are always going to be things to do, you know? I want to choose the good portion, even in the midst of to-do lists and phones beeping. I want more than just doing. I want to learn what it means to be, here and now.