I feel uninspired and random.Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Part of me doesn't feel like blogging today. My motivation and inspiration must have gotten smushed this morning or something. But I have this feeling that if I don't put my fingers to the keyboard, it'll either be days before I open up this 'new post' page, or all the random thoughts tumbling around in my brain will just implode.
I can't stop thinking about bacon. Like, how much I really just want to stuff my face full of the delicious, salty stuff until my stomach aches. I am doing good with the no meat during Lent thing, but the bacon? It's calling my name, in a bad way.
Epic fail. That's how I would describe my feelings as a mama lately. It's been rough around here. Apparently, being a 2-year old is tough business. And being a mama to a 2-year is even tougher business. There are moments that I just want to hit my head against the wall or scream in frustration. Like, when Eliana decides to scream at me, telling me what she wants, after I've already asked her to do something. SCREAMS at me. Not cool. Does not make this mama happy. There are definitely consequences for screaming demands at mama. Or when she shoves her brother onto the ground, steals a toy from him, and beats him with said toy. Also not cool. And also definitely deserves consequences. It's hard work being a mama. I mean, no one ever told me it would be easy, but still. It's hard, and can be frustrating and challenging and right now, with my massive amount of crazy hormones, can sometimes just lead me to tears.
How do other mama's do it? Stay patient and calm and teach their children through tantrum after tantrum, and no after no? I am definitely learning a lot - I know God is working on my heart in big ways. And it's not always easy. Which is probably good. Nothing that is good usually comes from being entirely easy. I want to grow and change as a mama - I want to keep becoming a BETTER mama to my babes, but man alive, it's hard. And sometimes just downright daunting. There are plenty of hard, chaotic, challenging times.
And then there are those little moments, that are like gems. The ones where L takes me hand to go down the stairs, and halfway down, she stops and kisses it. Or when she walks up to Ezra and hugs him, instead of hitting him. Or when she tells us she loves us, without us prompting her. Or when she reminds us we have to pray before we eat or before bed. To know that she is learning and that she is growing, is so worth it. I just pray I can continue to find grace and patience and overwhelming love, because she sure is determined and passionate about what she wants, and it can be tiring.
Mmmm. Bacon. Give me all the bacon.
As much as I harp on Basset Hounds (for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you know...). Or maybe I just harp on Lucy, our goofy Basset Hound. I guess they're not all bad. She sure has her ridiculous moments, where I look at her, wondering where she gets these crazy ideas. But she is getting better, and growing up. There are still things that drive me nuts about her (her barking/chewing on toys/jumping to steal food), but you know, I might kind of like the goofy girl...
There is a Tonka dump truck in my kitchen, and each time I see it, I envision a scenario in my head in which I step on it, and go flying through the air. I should move it. But it's somewhat comforting, knowing that my dear little boy left it there, and it makes me smile. Plus, they'll be up from their nap soon enough, and it'll just get pulled right back out, so why move it now, right?!
To make peanut butter cookies, or not? That is the current question...
Ok, I am going to relish the remainder of nap time and quit having my 'woe is me, mama fail' moment. God is certainly bigger than my feelings and my failures, and I need to trust in Him. Only in Him will I find the sanity and strength and grace I long for and so desperately need.
It's an absolutely gorgeous day out, and I think I'm going to grab Catching Fire and head out to the porch for some reading in the sun. Oh yeah, and dream about bacon...